Monday, August 1, 2011

from the heart/gut

This is not how you're supposed to start off a marriage.

Marriage is hard, or at least it has been so far. We left the stress-free honeymoon and came straight home to real life. Real, hard, unpredictable life.

People joke that they started out with "nothing," but I am here to tell you that we are quite literally starting out with nothing. The past few weeks have been brutal on my heart, hence the lack of posting. I want to be honest and tell the world how I feel, but I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea - God is at work, although it feels at times as though He's on vacation from working in our lives. Doors of opportunity are being slammed shut in my face, the list of to-do's for the house is ever-growing and the list of volunteers is ever-dwindling. He is doing something, but it is absolutely positively 100% not what I had in mind or what I wanted.

I've been dealing with a lot of anger and bitterness. I hate to admit that. I wish I could say that I'm singing "God's in control" and happy and smiling, but I am not. My friends, I am crying regularly and having come-to-Jesus meetings with my brain on a daily basis. I feel so needy and yet so self-sufficient all at the same time. I feel lost... abandoned... heartbroken. It's hard to go work on the house day in and day out while friends are at the pool or on vacation, while family is working and getting paid, or while other victims are receiving help. I've been angry with a lot of great people, angry at Blake, angry at myself... angry at the tornado and yes, angry with God's plan. I believe, but I have unbelief.

And yet, somehow, God is in the midst of it. He's in the midst of the hurt and in the midst of the bitterness and in the midst of the rejection. He's there. Despite knowing that Truth, I am not always comforted by it. My brain is in overdrive and Satan is feeding me such tempting lies. He comes up with some pretty good stuff. But what I know about God rings Truer than any twisted tale Satan could trick me with. At times, it's like we are jumping off the edge of the Grand Canyon with only the childlike faith that God will break our fall. I have no clue what we are doing or how we are going to get by or how I am going to get a steady paycheck or how we're going to stay fed... but I'm jumping. While everyone else is at the edge waving goodbye, I've got my eyes closed tight and my ears open only to the One who can catch me.

We didn't ask for this. We didn't ask to be in this position. Yet, here we are. I don't know why and honestly, I don't even really want to know why. I mean, I do... but I am afraid of the "why" right now. I only know that God is working for our good. He's working for the good of the people we will minister to. He's working for the good of His Kingdom. He's working for His Glory. I want so much to get out from under this mess we're in... but I know we need to stay under. We need to keep going, keep pressing forward. There's something exquisite at the end of this journey and I want to see it. God will provide the way, I just need to keep going.

And that's where my heart is today. Tomorrow could be a whole different story.

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