"What day is it?"
"Do we bring toys to school today?"
"Where are we going?"
"Is it school day or church day?"
"Is it gymnastics day?"
"Who is coming to our house tonight?"
"Is it Saturday tomorrow?"
She has to know all the details of her day to feel content. I don't mind answering, even though I clearly remember dreading the "questions" phase of her life. But, I get it. Being a Type A/planner person myself, I know all too well the uneasiness of life without a plan. My little three-year-old is already trying to wrap her mind around time and understand her little world. And I want to do my best to help her figure it out... all while trying very hard to teach her to be a little more flexible than I am. :)
Here lately, I find myself also asking a long list of questions. I'm not exactly sure where the fascination began or why, but I literally have just been completely overwhelmed with thoughts of Heaven. There have been times I literally have almost become sick thinking about it. Not because I don't want to go - trust me, I do! But, to be very honest, I'm scared. That may sound silly - Heaven is supposed to be a place of no fear! And I'm not necessarily afraid of Heaven. Afraid of dying, yes. But in regards to Heaven - I'm just more perplexed than anything. The scary part, to me, is that there's no one to really give me any definitive answers to help ease my mind the way I try to help ease Maleah's mind every morning. There's no one to tell me exactly what to expect.
Some of my questions are:
"What will my body be like in Heaven?"
"How old will I be?"
"How can I not be sad about people who aren't in Heaven with me?"
"Will my existence in Heaven have purpose and meaning?"
"How will I not get bored? What will I be doing for ETERNITY?"
"If there is no night, will I rest?"
"Will I get to eat!?" (Serious question, there!)
"How will we all fit in one place?"
"Will it be about the size of Earth, except we will all be more like the size of ants? Surely that's how we're going to ALL fit in this place FOREVER."
"Will I have a job?"
"If I have a job, what will it be? Are there any problems to solve in Heaven that require a job?"
"Will I get to meet a lot of people?"
"Will I be conscious of my life on earth and, if so, how will I not feel remorse or guilt about anything?"
"Will Kari Jobe have a special auditorium where she sings for hours on end?" (No, really.)
Those are just a few. As I said, my mind has been filled with questions. This isn't the first time I've ever pondered these things. But I will say this is definitely the first time I have really wrestled with any of it.
I do remember going through a similar phase as a teenager. I was terrified that I'd never get to experience having children on earth and, therefore, I wouldn't have any children in Heaven. And I do remember when I became pregnant with Maleah (and, eventually, when she was born) having this sense of relief. Like, I have done everything on this earth I wanted to accomplish. Of course, I still want the joy of raising her and her sister, but I have now "checked off" (for lack of a better phrase) something I dearly wanted to experience in this life.
But, I'm really wrestling with all of these things. I have been reading more about Heaven and trying to wrap my earthly mind around some potential answers for my many questions.
Last night, as I lay awake around midnight, the questions came pouring in faster than I could even process. I was frantic, trying to explain Heaven to myself. Trying to calm myself. Trying to imagine the joy I will experience once I finally know. And finally... it just hit me...
I don't need to worry about Heaven. Wonder, yes. Worry, no. If I can trust God with my salvation, I can certainly trust Him in the joy of Heaven. If I can find satisfaction in Him here, how much greater will that be when I can actually be fully satisfied in Him?
I can tell I'm headed on a journey in the near future - these questions are too loud in my mind to ignore. I'll be learning a lot more about Heaven in the coming weeks and I want to write about my questions and the answers I find. Maybe you have questions, too. And while I'm not on the hunt to find specific answers for every single question I have, I do want to learn more about what we can know about Heaven while we live on earth.
But I am very confident in this - Heaven is too great a place for my human mind to even fathom. And that fact alone is so, so satisfying.
Colossians 3:1-3: Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. 2Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 3For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4When Christ, who is youra life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.