Like most people, I grew up believing that God would give me the things I wanted if:
- I prayed hard enough
- went to church every Sunday
- read my Bible every day
- those things were in line with Scripture
- I stopped sinning
- I wanted it badly enough
I had this idea that God was standing at the ready, anxious for me to make all the right moves so He could bless me. I believed He had a bag full of goodies just for me.... I only needed to ask.
What I know now is that what I believed was a lie. God is not going to give me everything I want. He isn't always going to come through right when I think I need Him to. He isn't going to open every door for me just because He loves me. That just isn't how He works.
What I know now is that God is going to give me the desires of my heart. Not that he will give me what my heart desires, but He is going to tell my heart what to desire.
Today, another door closed on a dream I thought really would come true for me. I really believed this was it - this was the job I had been holding out for. And one little phone call changed it all.
My heart wants to give up. My heart is tired of trying and finding itself in the land of disappointment and confusion. I am tired. But the Lord has given me a desire, and I am going to trust Him to make a way in His time. This year has been the most difficult year of my life, aside from the year I lost my daddy. From taking the risk of getting married (which is the greatest part about 2011, I have to say!) to the drama of the tornado aftermath to the heartbreak of not finding a K-6 teaching job. This is not the year I expected - not at all.
So for now, I am taking comfort in the encouragement of sweet friends. And in the Word of the God who I trust, even though I don't understand His ways at all.
"Do not fret because of those who are evil or be envious of those who do wrong; for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away. Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Take delight in the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret - it only leads to evil. For those who are evil will be destroyed but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.....Consider the blameless, observe the upright; a future awaits those who seek peace. But all sinners will be destroyed; there will be no future for the wicked. The salvation of the righteous comes from the Lord; he is their stronghold in time of trouble. The Lord helps and delivers them from the wicked and save them, because they take refuge in him." - Psalm 37:1-9, 37-40
"The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run into it and they are saved." - Proverbs 18:10
In times like these, when God's answers are not what we want to hear, we have to take refuge in Him. Take refuge in His promises, believing fully that He is working all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I love Him, and I am called according to His purpose. He is going to get all the glory on the day I finally land a K-6 teaching job. And He's getting all the glory even now, for making a way for me even though I don't have what I thought I would.