I have been walking around the past few weeks with my "brave face" on. Even blogging with my brave face dictating my words. Yesterday, the mask came off and what was underneath was exposed.
Though lately I have tried not to post about the depressing journey of finding a job, it's an every day battle to not just throw my hands up in the air and quit. And, I am blogging for several reasons - 1) it's cathartic and 2) I haven't been doing a pen-and-paper journal for the past few months, and know that this blog is going to get printed & bound at the end of the year to take place of my "traditional" journal. I want to remember the heartache.
What was lying underneath was my heart - which I have been too afraid to share because I so badly want to look like I have it altogether. I want to look like I mean it when I say, "we're going to be okay". I want to look like I am okay, but I really am not. I am going to be okay - maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but I am going to be okay and I am going to somehow be "better" for this experience.
Up until May of this year, I had never been "rejected" after an interview. I am an interview pro, and I have always been hired. I have officially been interviewed and rejected three times this summer. And then there's the countless resumes and applications I've submitted without even receiving so much as a phone call.
At this point, I feel like this is a big game of elementary school dodge-ball and I'm last to be picked. Literally ALL of my friends have jobs - and if they don't have a permanent job, they have long-term sub jobs lined up already. I have nothing - nothing!!! Even my Plan F that seemed to be a sure bet fell through this week! It seems like every opportunity is being closed and I don't even stand a chance. And I'll put my faithlessness out there - I have, at times, felt like God has completely forgotten about me. Like I'm jumping up and down, waving my arms yelling "Hey!! Don't forget about me over here!!" and He is completely oblivious. He's not oblivious, but sometimes it sure feels like it (thank God He isn't who I feel He is at times!!).
After a good forty minutes of ugly-face crying :) last night, I told Blake this: I feel like an actress - full of potential and dying to use my craft. I keep going for casting calls and get rejected and overlooked.... but, one day, someone is going to hire me and I am going to be AWESOME at my job and put in so much work and passion... and all the other people who never gave me a chance are going to say, "Why didn't we hire her!?" I am going to be a superstar teacher and principals are going to be jealous that I'm not theirs.
The longer I go without a job, the better I will be once I get a job. I am so passionate, so eager, and so determined that I am not going to just give up. Even if I don't get a teaching job for this year, I am not going to give up. I am just going to keep doing what I know to do, volunteer my services if I have to, and someone is going to give me a chance someday. And they're going to be glad they did.
I'm hoping that my story will be this - I will have gone all summer hunting and searching for a job... to the point of complete desperation. And then, BAM! A school is going to open up a position and I'm going to be the last one standing, and they'll pick me. I pray that's what happens... because, really, it's the last chance I have for a teaching job this school year. Maybe that's what God has in store, maybe not.
Whatever happens, I imagine that I will look back on this post in a year and say "if only you knew, Katie." God does have something up His sleeve, and I'm guessing it's so good that He won't tell me what it is because I wouldn't even believe it. ;)