Still

I have written and re-written a post about updates on our house about six times already this morning, and I can't figure out what to say or how to say it. There are so many emotions - pain, hurt, loss, relief, confusion, guilt - and I don't even know where to begin.

So, I'll just say this:

Psalm 46
For the director of music. Of the Sons of Korah. According to alamoth. A song.

¹ God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
³ though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.

⁴ There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
⁵ God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
⁶ Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

⁷ The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

⁸ Come and see what the LORD has done,
the desolation he has brought on the earth.
⁹ He makes wars cease
to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the shields with fire.
¹⁰ He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”

¹¹ The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Being still is the hardest of all. As far as our house goes, we have exhausted all options and feel God saying to just "be still." After being turned down again and again for assistance, we are exhausted. Being still means Blake and I are not moving forward with rebuilding my grandmother's house at this time. It means that we will have to live with my mom for a while after the wedding, which is not exactly what we had in mind for our "first home." It means that we have no idea what God is going to provide - just that He will.

As hard as it is, though, we believe (and it is extremely hard for me to to believe, but God helps us in our unbelief!) God will provide something perfect in His time. It's hard to let go of our own plans, our own hopes and dreams, and latch on to His. It's hard to see that big old beautiful house surrounded by overturned trees, covered with a big old ugly tarp and to look through it to see what He sees. It's hard to look at the gifts we've been given for our wedding and know they will sit in storage for a while longer, and to imagine them in this future house God has promised to provide.

God requires us to be still at times. He asks us to stop grasping at straws and to just wait on Him. It's not as easy as it sounds. It means you will have to rely on Him fully and trust that He knows what He's doing. I repeat: it is not as easy as it sounds. It means your plans will get uprooted, you'll have to go against the grain, you'll have to suck it up and live with your mama after you get hitched.

We are being still because it is what God requires of us at this time. It isn't the way we planned, and it took a lot of tears and begging to get to this point. But God's word says, "Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in all the earth." By being still, our hope is that God is exalted. I wanted to share this post now - in the moment - so that when God provides, you will know that "we told you so". I don't know what He's going to provide or when, but it's going to happen in only a way He could orchestrate.

We rest in His providence, believing whole-heartedly that He loves us and has already planned our "next step" for us. He's planned the "next step" for all of us - it's just a matter of whether or not we are listening closely enough to hear His instructions and whether or not we are willing to heed those instructions at any cost.

Blake and I may not have a house of our own right now, but the God of Jacob is our fortress. There is no better House than that.

When the oceans rise and thunders roar, I will soar with You above the storm
Father, You are King over the flood, I will be still and know You are God