I hate New Year's. Every year, there is so much expectation - where and how to celebrate, who you'll be surrounded by when the clock strikes midnight, what to wear, what to drink, what to eat... I get SO excited about New Year's every year... only to have my high expectations squashed.
I was very excited about this New Year's - spending it with Blake and looking forward to an excitingly busy year ahead. I was hoping to do something exciting and be surrounded by friends, but we celebrated by having a pot roast dinner with my mom and Fred and watching "Happy New Year, Charlie Brown". Our New Year's eve was sweet and quiet and, of course, sealed with a kiss at the stroke of midnight.
Despite the comfort I felt being with my soon-to-be husband, I couldn't help feel the sting of what is happening in our lives. Blake and I are in this weird point in life where I'm not sure where we "fit." With this past semester being so dreadfully busy, neither of us have had much time to spend with... well, anyone, really. I have felt very isolated from many of our friends simply because of how overwhelming school was, coupled with Blake's health issues. It has been a busy semester and our time has been very limited, but it seems like the efforts we have made to embrace community have been in vain. We are surrounded by people and yet I feel so very alone much of the time.
Maybe I am just looking in all the wrong places, or maybe I am being taught something, or probably both. It leaves me wondering... what is wrong with me? And that's a hard question to ask yourself. It is something I have said or done? Am I too busy? Am I too demanding? Did I offend someone? Is there just something wrong with me? Time and time again, I find myself in this place where I am in this awkward position in life - I mean, I am twenty-five and still in school (not for long, though!). Somehow whatever I am doing at any point in time doesn't fit in with what everyone else is doing. I feel like I am running a race parallel to the people in my life. I see everyone else is going the same pace right beside me, but I can never seem to get over in their lane and run the race with them.
Just like finding Blake, finding friends who will run the race with us will happen when the time is right. So many times, I tried to make relationships with guys "work" because I thought I was ready. What I found was that the Lord knew when I was ready and, until Blake, everything was transitional. That's what I'm learning about this time in my life... in our life. Everything and everyone is transitional right now... Blake and I will not be in school forever and this "awkward" time will only last a short while.
At some point, I suppose we will settle down and have a family and build a life... but until then, we are constantly moving. Some of the friendships we make now will last a lifetime and others will only last through the end of a season of our life. And what I am learning to realize is that both types of friendships are necessary and both types are beautiful. The hard part is coming to the realization that some of the friendships I thought were lifelong are really only seasonal. Some people are only in our lives because of where we are in life... and we will continue to have these beautiful "seasonal" friends for the rest of our lives. It's not a bad thing... it's just a hard pill to swallow.
If you read this, props to you. Normally I would never, ever, ever post something so... emotional. I generally try to stay away from "feelings" on the ole blog, but... this is a hard lesson that I've been trying to learn for as long as I have had friends. Friendships aren't easy... and I am hoping that 2011 is a year for developing more solid friendships, for taking time away from work to spend time with those I love, for finding community that will embrace us in return, and for knowing that God always provides every piece of the puzzle when the time is right. I have all my faith in the knowledge that the Lord shines the light just far enough for me to see the next step. The "next step" isn't too far away, and I rest assured knowing that God's provisions are always just enough.