The urge to learn about childbirth has been nagging at me for the past several weeks. Now that I'm at the 28+ week mark, it's a necessity. I know a whole lot about babies - how to take care of one, how to entertain one, how to change one - but I don't really know much about how to deliver one.
I've read a thousand birth stories and watched several videos and they've all left me feeling very... perplexed. How do I go about "planning" (a loose term, obviously) a birth when I don't have the faintest idea what will happen?
Will she be breech? Who will the doctor on call be? Can I tolerate as much pain as I think I can? What if something terrible happens? Will I go past my due date? If I accept medicine, will my body tolerate it? What if I get exhausted? How long will I have to bond with Maleah before they have to take her away? Will I be nice to Blake?
It's overwhelming. At first, my reaction was to just completely go with the flow. Figure it out once I'm there. But, the closer we get to meeting our little girl, the more I'm realizing that "going with the flow" isn't the best option for me. There are things I need to go ahead and decide now because making decisions in the middle of labor isn't ideal. Obviously, I need to be flexible and remind myself of the ultimate goal: to have a healthy baby and healthy mama. But there are things I need to think about now so that, when the time comes, I can be [somewhat] prepared.
I'm not looking to share what I "plan" to do and I really don't care to hear advice on how great such-and-such was. Just more or less looking to share with the world the anxiety that comes along with childbirth. There's a natural fear of the unknown that I'm trying to resolve before the time comes. For me, that means learning and thinking about the different options and discussing them with Blake so I know we're both informed. It means praying for certain things (like, how awesome would it be if Maleah came on MY doctor's on-call day!?!?), but mostly praying for peace. It means talking with friends and hearing a variety of experiences and weighing my options carefully. And most of all, it means thinking about the moment when I finally get to hold my little girl and know that she is what He planned for me long, long ago.