Do you ever want to go back to teaching?

I started college, like everyone else, the fall after my senior year of college. I had always wanted to go into elementary education but frankly didn't think I had the ability to jump through all the required hoops. I spent three years in college before taking a break. I moved home from the University of Montevallo after my dad passed away and just decided to work for a while and try to figure out what I wanted to do. It was during that time - working two jobs - that I realized I could jump through all of those hoops to become an elementary teacher. So I went back to school in January 2008.

When I started the program, I was a little unsure of what was to come. I spent all of 2008 finishing up basics and started taking education courses in January 2009. It took two school years to finish the program. Each semester, I got more and more excited about teaching - especially when I started doing practicum placements and was actually in front of a class most of the week. I loved spending time with the kids. I loved teaching them something they hadn't previously understood before. I loved the hugs, the smiles, the "I love you's". I even loved the tough times. I loved the kids who didn't get a lot of love from their parents. I loved the kids who were just flat-out hard to love. I was ready to conquer the education world.

Then I graduated.

Several girls from my program did not get hired as classroom teachers that first year. I was one of them. I wasn't totally discouraged since I had other friends in the same situation. I decided to substitute in order to get to know different teachers and principals in hopes that I would be considered should an opening arise that school year or the next. I subbed for exactly one month in various schools before being offered a full-time contract substitute position at a school in the Tuscaloosa County School system. It was to work as a librarian, as their librarian was retiring. I started as librarian on November 1, 2011. I was overjoyed to have a job and even more excited that this might lead to a classroom teaching job for the next school year.

Without going into the details (because I am trying to be tactful, even though I honestly don't want to be), I did not get a classroom job at that school the following school year, even though there were three positions open. I also did not get a job anywhere else for reasons I really just can't explain. All throughout my time at UA, I had nothing but excellent reviews, grades, and recommendations. Even the principal I worked for wrote in her recommendation letter, "I wouldn't hesitate to hire Mrs. Ball..." (even though she did, seeing that she hired two other teachers over me, choosing master's degrees over experience...). I never had a bad experience with a class, teacher, or princpal. I am not sure if the principals who interviewed me last summer questioned why I didn't get hired at my previous school, if the news of my pregnancy got leaked (which I am suspicious of), or if it was just bad timing on my part.

This go 'round, I was devastated about not getting a job. There was no way I could substitute again for a school year. Subbing means no benefits, and with a baby on the way, we definitely needed benefits. I made the decision in late July to begin applying for jobs on campus and it only took a few weeks for me to get hired somewhere. It was a temporary position, but within six weeks of working that job, I got offered a full-time position. So, it took me about ten weeks to find a job at UA in a field I have no experience in (purchasing!), and I couldn't get a job in the field I have a degree and plenty of experience in. I don't get it.

So, people ask... "Do you ever want to go back to teaching?" And, honestly, the answer is "no". I had a really bad experience at the school where I was and in the months that followed the end of that position. There are just things no college education can prepare you for when you enter into a job run by the government. There is paperwork, red tape, and politics that come into play that I just could not handle. I applaud our teachers. I don't see how they do it without losing their minds, because I was surely losing mine.

It wasn't the kids I was frustrated with, and that's the tragedy of it all. As long as I could be with my students and the politics of public school left me alone, I was loving it. But the "do this thing this way with this material or else" just isn't me. I just simply don't agree with the way we run our public schools and I definitely didn't agree with things that were happening in the school where I was working. Yet I couldn't do anything about it because I was a lowly "teacher".

I do want to eventually work with kids, but not in a classroom teacher capacity. Honestly, I'm not really sure what I'm going to do with my life. My heart is broken that my experiences left such a bad taste in my mouth and I hate that I can't overcome my issues with our system. I think I am a great teacher who loves learning and loves kids even more, but I can't bring myself to do things the way they want me to. Maybe that's selfish of me, or maybe I just fit in with thousands of other "good teachers" who left the field because of the overbearing issues in our education system. I had to go through a grieving process to let go of the things I miss about teaching. It took several months for me to even be able to talk about this without crying or getting upset. Because, deep down, I think our schools are missing out on someone who truly cares about children and their education and I am missing out on something I was born to do.

Eventually I'll figure something out. For now, I'll be working at UA while Blake finishes up his PhD. And I don't really know where I will go from here. I feel God moving me in a few directions and plan to spend more time listening to what it is He is calling me to do. In some ways, I feel like I wasted my time (and money) on a degree I may never use. But, I think, things can only go up from here. I have lots of opportunities and plenty of time to figure out what's next.

It feels good to get this off of my chest. I haven't posted anything about my experience because I didn't want to burn any bridges. But now that I've decided I don't want to be a classroom teacher (at least the way public schools are run here in our area), I really don't have any bridges left to burn. I loved the teachers I worked with last school year and am so sad that I don't get to see them every day. I miss the kids, too. But, even more, I just miss teaching. I miss making a difference. There are plenty of ways for me to fill those voids, though, which is what I'm working on now - using my gifts and abilities with kids and teaching, just in a different capacity.

Thanks for reading. :)

Am I a Good Mom?

Becoming a mother has made me feel something I am not accustomed to feeling: incompetent. I mean, I usually feel pretty good about my decisions as a mother until I start hearing someone else's philosophy or routine or expectations. And this weekend was extra difficult for me. That question just kept repeating in my head over and over again, "Am I a good mom?".

For starters, I let Maleah stay with my mom Thursday night so Blake and I could go to a concert. The kid is 13 weeks old and she's already spent the night away from home three times. Am I a bad mom because I wanted to go to a concert while someone else took care of my kid?

Then someone said yesterday how hard it was for them to drop their baby off at the church nursery door instead of being able to walk them in (new changes). The statement stunned me because I really didn't feel that way at all. I didn't think that mother was absurd for feeling that way... I thought I was absurd for not feeling that way. Am I a bad mom because I don't feel the pangs of being separated for a few hours?

Then I got reprimanded for letting Maleah sleep on her tummy for naps. "Would you put her in a car without a car seat?? It's just as risky to let her sleep on her stomach - she could die of SIDS." While I am aware that it is not recommended for babies to sleep on their stomachs, I also know that letting her sleep on her stomach isn't 100% what causes SIDS. And my kid needs to sleep in order to grow... she sleeps better on her stomach during nap times, so we let her.  Am I a bad mom for letting her do this?

And then there are the things that no one even has to mention to get my mind stirring. Every time I scoop out "nasty formula" (as I refer to it), I am reminded that we switched to formula long before I ever intended. And we feed her that nasty formula on a routine. (Side note- I don't think formula is bad. I just wanted to be able to nurse longer. And it's "nasty" because formula smells so bad!!) We only change her diaper once after each feeding (so, about every 3 hours). I rock her to sleep at night. I put big giant bows on her head. I do not have a thousand adorable monogrammed outfits. We let her sit in her bouncy seat and entertain herself for a while sometimes. I don't freak out when she spits up and will let her wear a bib until it's really soaked. We did Ferber's "Progressive Waiting" at 6 weeks. Do I need to continue?

I'm constantly questioning myself. Wondering if what I am doing is going to scar her. Wondering who's judging me and when (the question isn't "if" - they're definitely judging). Wondering if I should watch what I say in fear that someone's going to comment on my parenting style and abilities.

And then I look at my sweet little baby. She is super happy and content - rarely puts up a fuss. She's easy-going and predictable. She is growing and developing just as she should.

And I look at how I feel. Prior to putting her on a routine and doing the Progressive Waiting method, I was miserable. I did not enjoy having a baby because I was so lost. Maleah would be upset and I would have to try a hundred things to finally figured out why she was crying. For others, it's opposite - being on a routine is stressful for them. That's great for them! But what makes our entire family happier is doing things the way we do them.

Knowing that my family is healthy and happy is confirmation enough that yes, I am a good mother. I just might do some things differently, and that's okay.

Flashback Friday: Take 1

So in the spirit of Instagram's "Throwback Thursday", I bring you a new blog series called "Flashback Friday" (or did you already guess the title??)! I loved reading my old blog so much that I am going to try to post an old blog post from way-back-when each Friday. Woo hoo! Let's get started!

This is a post from January 20, 2009 - two days and four years before little Maleah was born (surprisingly enough I didn't post anything on January 22 from 2007 to 2010...). My dad had been gone for two and a half years at this point and I would randomly recollect little snippets of memories with him. After being in a coma for two months, my dad woke up to a world he didn't belong in. You see, he had all sorts of interesting dreams while he was sleeping. And he was completely convinced they were real. This post was a reminder of some of the hysterical things he said:

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"While You Were Sleeping..."

After my dad was in a coma in 2000, he woke up telling some really funny stories from dreams he had while he was sleeping…. Apparently at one time I wrote them down intending to make some goofy song for my dad. I never really put it all together, but when I read this… I laughed. These are things he really said! I just had to share.

while you were sleeping

you made some funny faces

but nothing could prepare us

  

do you know who i am?

i’m a mexican movie star

  

i’m really quite thirsty

from eating all these sandwiches

could you please attend to me

and get me out of this mess

 

i’m tired of being in this bed

i’d like to get up and walk around

so please go to the nurses station

and grab me another gown

 

 

i’ve been alseep for far too long

… and apparently, I jotted this down, too:

we don’t argue anymore

about monday night television

an agreement was made

that for one night, we’d make revisions

 

and every monday night

of every week

we watch super stars

like undertaker get beat

 

wrestling

wrestling

how could you be so fun?

wrestling

wrestling

i used to think you were dumb

but now i look forward to your program

dad and i really love the ring

 

I love silly memories like these!!



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